Publicans Statement by Paddy Gibney

THE MEDICAL MIRACLE My mate Jimmy recently introduced me to a young man named Jack Ward. A native of England, he has just graduated from The Fayetteville Academy and is off to UNC Wilmington this month to begin college on a soccer scholarship. That is exactly what we did back in the late ’80s. We came over to conquer America along with our friend Justin. We were three young teenagers on vacation. Sometimes I feel like I am still on that same vacation. Anyway, I pulled out an old scrapbook from our time in college, mainly to illustrate the value of these years to young Jack. The scrapbook is filled with notes, cards, applications to be a porn star, a condom wrapper (don’t ask) and various other items from the shenanigans of our college years. There are also many different newspaper articles. It’s one of those newspaper articles that I would like to tell you about. The headline reads: Jimmy Maher: The Medical Miracle and, it’s a classic. There were eight seniors from the soccer team graduating in May of 1992, Jimmy, Justin, myself and five others. The newspaper decided to do a story on us all. Jimmy was the last to be interviewed. The reporter called our house several times but, he was either in the library or asleep in an algebra book. He’s one of the smartest men I know but 2x = 4 was always like an Ambien pill to him. Anyway, he was taking 22 credit hours during that final semester so he could graduate with us.  Consequently, he was far too busy for interviews...

St. Patrick’s Day Blarney by Paddy Gibney

Once upon a time, an Irish boy met an American girl. The American girl said, “Do you like to shag?” The Irish boy said, “Do I wha’?” It’s been well over twenty years since I came to America, and I still fall for that one every time. I remind myself that even when it’s raining tits and ass, it’s still possible to get hit by a brick. I do, however, know a little bit more about America now that I have lived here longer than I lived in Ireland. With this in mind, I decided to write something alternatively educational for my friend Tams’ publication, “Friction” (dirty bitch) as we approach St. Patrick’s Day, 2014. Here are some interesting facts, figures, reflections and inspirational quotes with regard to Ireland. It’s called “St. Paddy’s Day” for short. Patty is a girl’s name. St. Patrick was an Irishman who hauled around a healthy 11” Truncheon with a sleeve. Most Irish people rarely eat corned beef and cabbage. Besides, cabbage leaves a trail of destruction behind in your colon. The only snakes in Ireland reside restlessly between the legs of the average Irish lad. 99% of those snakes are uncircumcised. That means that there’s a skin that covers the head; unless the snake is buried in a particular hole. This skin protects the head and prevents exposure to an arid, uncomfortable outside world that can often destroy any real sensation and severely inhibit venom volume, taste, and authentic masculine projectile capabilities. Killian’s Irish Red beer is brewed about 4,000 miles west of western Ireland. 75% of Americans cannot point out Ireland on...


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